Chapter 9. The Queen

Nobody wanted to hurt the Queen of Nostriland, so she didn't bother with any guards outside her castle. Just a reception on the left as you go through the portcullis.

Wayne and Wycliffe approached the desk.

"Greetings travellers from distant realms!" "How may I be of service?" asked a crazy woman.

"We have come to speak with the Queen," replied Wayne.

"Is she about?" asked Wycliffe.

"Yes, I think she is. Follow me." The woman began to spray herself all over with a very pungent air-freshener labelled Ocean Mist. She knocked on a door.

"Madam, there are a couple of erm, people to see you. One of them is a man and he looks like you, and the other is a talking beast. Do you wish to speak to them?"

"I most certainly would. Send them in please Armpit," came a voice from the room. Wayne and Wycliffe sniggered and were then let in.

"Thanks Armpit," said Wayne.

"Thanks Armpit," said Wycliffe.

"Welcome to the Kingdom of The Nose-Worshippers. Please sit down, you both look tired," said the Queen.

"Thank you" they both said, and climbed onto a big comfy sofa.

"Anything to drink?" she asked.

"A glass of water would be just fine, your majesty. Thank you." replied Wayne.

"A bowl of beer wouldn't go amiss." said Wycliffe.

The Queen went off to make some drinks for her guests. Wayne turned to his dog. "Beer? What are you talking about. Dogs don't drink beer."

"Well, I've never been asked what I wanted to drink before. I thought I'd give it a go, and besides, you seem to like it rather a lot. Shh, she's coming back. Remember your manners, Wayne."

The Queen returned. "Here you go gentlemen," she said. "You arrived sooner than I expected."

"You expected us your Majesty?" asked Wayne, choking on his water.

"Of course. And Wayne, less of the 'Majesty'. Just call me Queen," she said.

"Sorry your highness, er Queen...hey, how do you know my name?" he enquired.

"There is little that I do not know of, my little storyteller, and what I do know of, i know a lot about" she smiled knowingly. "You see, about 30 years ago I lived in your Realm and was due to be made into a Queen. It happened that on the day my father was due to step down from the throne, he was murdered and I was banished to the Realm of Nostriland by an evil magic spell. My husband was also sent away somewhere and I have not seen him all this time. The man you know today as the King is actually my father's brother. He is a skilled magician and a very tyrannical man. He had become envious of my Father's position, and could not bare to think of me in charge, so he decided to reorganize things. It was he who killed my father, and it was he who banished me here."

"He's a complete bastard, isn't he?" chipped in Wayne.

"Too right." she replied.

"So how come you never tried to reclaim the throne?" he asked

"Well, two reasons. Firstly, he is too powerful. And secondly, if the spell that binds me here were ever to be broken, i.e. if I was to ever to leave here, I would be O.K, but the race of Nostrilanders would be completely wiped out.* I know they're a stinky bunch but I couldn't bring myself to sacrifice those who have loved and respected me for all these years. However, all that is soon to change. I have been learning new types of magic and now I feel strong enough to defeat the murdering swine once and for all!"

Then she turned to Wycliffe. "And as for you my hairy quadruped friend, what's it like now that you are able to speak?"

"Pretty good so far. What's it like being a Queen?" he replied.

"Not bad. Anyway, you didn't come all this way for chit-chat. There are more pressing concerns at hand. The first stage of my plan is working well, and now I must ask you both to return to your own kingdom and carry out the second stage."

"Hang on a minute," said Wayne. "What are you going on about. What was the first part of your plan?" he asked.

"The first part of the plan was to make all the dogs speak. You may not realise this but all the King's army and all the King's men are not human. They are in fact cats who have been put under a nasty spell which makes them obey the King. I thought it would be a good idea if we could get the dogs to fight for us and scare off the King's army. I employed a very ancient spell, which will not last for more than a few days. So Wycliffe, I am sorry but you will soon revert back to barking and woofing."

Wycliffe looked up from his bowl of beer. "Mmm? Sorry, what was that? I didn't hear what you said, I guess I was concentrating on finishing off this beer. Have you any more?" he enquired.

"No you can't. Any more and you will be drunk, and I need you to be on the ball. You have an important day ahead of you, and we don't have much time. This is what you must do....."

The Queen then went on to tell them the second stage of her plan.

*if the spell were ever to be broken, then the Nose-worshippers of Nostriland would suddenly spout noses and die. For the first time in their lives, they would experience a gasp. Purely instinctively, their hands would rush to their faces, as if expressing horror. Before the concepts of social etiquette or embarrassment had begun to enter their minds, they died of an over-stimulating concoction of rancid fumes. Can you imagine what it would be like to wake up one morning and suddenly discover you had a sense of smell? Then can you imagine what it would be like to experience the most unpleasant stench ever, having been going to the toilet onto yourself your whole life? The distress would be unbearable, and the shock, deadly.