Chapter 10. Pussygalore

After a good 24 hours of continuous drinking, the stinky old man and the intoxicated William went in search of something to eat. Despite not sleeping since he left the King's castle, William had never felt so good. Yet there was something nagging him from his mangled mind; something that made him think that there was a creative task he should really be getting on with. But for now, he needed food and he was drunk.

The two men scrambled out of the woods and stumbled over a few fields and arrived at their destination. A small town called Pussygalore.*¹

"There's a bakers down that alleyway," said the tramp, pointing to a little cobbled street. "Why don't you see if you could get us some bread?"

"O.K." replied William, "But where are you going to go?"

"Me? I'm going to stay here. Never have I been able to get food from this place. They just don't understand a word I say. As a consequence, I have learnt to survive on a diet of bugs, moss and the occasional dead mammal."

"Right, well I'll try not to be too long" said William. He took a big gulp of the magic drink, returned it to the tramp, and snook off through the little shops and houses, bumping into lampposts and burping loudly as he went. He eventually reached the counter of the bakery and politely asked for a couple of cheese and onion pasties and a large wholemeal loaf. The baker, assuming William to be an aggressive loud-mouthed retard, ran towards him brandishing a French stick and chased him out of his shop. Gingerbread men were hurled at his head whilst the baker called him names that he could not understand.

Having failed in his quest for something to eat, William decided to return back to the tramp. He wondered what he had said to the baker to cause such offence, but then remembered what the tramp said to him about the magic drink and it's anti-social side-effects. Hopefully he thought, the tramp has found a dead badger we can have for tea.

But there was no dead badger, and no tramp either. He's obviously buggered off to find some moss. All of a sudden, William developed an acute pain in his liver upon noticing that the magic drink had buggered off too. He had grown fairly dependant on that bottle.

"Right then." announced William to nobody, "I'm not standing for this!"

As he fell over, he heard the not too distant screams of young women in distress. As best as he could with his hands clutching his painful side, he followed the noise to a neon-lit street in Pussygalore. And there in the middle of the street was the tramp being kicked and punched by several women wearing high heels and short skirts.*²

*1 Pussygalore was famed for it's catteries.

*2 Women in short skirts and high heels: sportive ladies who leave their doors ajar.

Chapter 9. The Queen

Nobody wanted to hurt the Queen of Nostriland, so she didn't bother with any guards outside her castle. Just a reception on the left as you go through the portcullis.

Wayne and Wycliffe approached the desk.

"Greetings travellers from distant realms!" "How may I be of service?" asked a crazy woman.

"We have come to speak with the Queen," replied Wayne.

"Is she about?" asked Wycliffe.

"Yes, I think she is. Follow me." The woman began to spray herself all over with a very pungent air-freshener labelled Ocean Mist. She knocked on a door.

"Madam, there are a couple of erm, people to see you. One of them is a man and he looks like you, and the other is a talking beast. Do you wish to speak to them?"

"I most certainly would. Send them in please Armpit," came a voice from the room. Wayne and Wycliffe sniggered and were then let in.

"Thanks Armpit," said Wayne.

"Thanks Armpit," said Wycliffe.

"Welcome to the Kingdom of The Nose-Worshippers. Please sit down, you both look tired," said the Queen.

"Thank you" they both said, and climbed onto a big comfy sofa.

"Anything to drink?" she asked.

"A glass of water would be just fine, your majesty. Thank you." replied Wayne.

"A bowl of beer wouldn't go amiss." said Wycliffe.

The Queen went off to make some drinks for her guests. Wayne turned to his dog. "Beer? What are you talking about. Dogs don't drink beer."

"Well, I've never been asked what I wanted to drink before. I thought I'd give it a go, and besides, you seem to like it rather a lot. Shh, she's coming back. Remember your manners, Wayne."

The Queen returned. "Here you go gentlemen," she said. "You arrived sooner than I expected."

"You expected us your Majesty?" asked Wayne, choking on his water.

"Of course. And Wayne, less of the 'Majesty'. Just call me Queen," she said.

"Sorry your highness, er Queen...hey, how do you know my name?" he enquired.

"There is little that I do not know of, my little storyteller, and what I do know of, i know a lot about" she smiled knowingly. "You see, about 30 years ago I lived in your Realm and was due to be made into a Queen. It happened that on the day my father was due to step down from the throne, he was murdered and I was banished to the Realm of Nostriland by an evil magic spell. My husband was also sent away somewhere and I have not seen him all this time. The man you know today as the King is actually my father's brother. He is a skilled magician and a very tyrannical man. He had become envious of my Father's position, and could not bare to think of me in charge, so he decided to reorganize things. It was he who killed my father, and it was he who banished me here."

"He's a complete bastard, isn't he?" chipped in Wayne.

"Too right." she replied.

"So how come you never tried to reclaim the throne?" he asked

"Well, two reasons. Firstly, he is too powerful. And secondly, if the spell that binds me here were ever to be broken, i.e. if I was to ever to leave here, I would be O.K, but the race of Nostrilanders would be completely wiped out.* I know they're a stinky bunch but I couldn't bring myself to sacrifice those who have loved and respected me for all these years. However, all that is soon to change. I have been learning new types of magic and now I feel strong enough to defeat the murdering swine once and for all!"

Then she turned to Wycliffe. "And as for you my hairy quadruped friend, what's it like now that you are able to speak?"

"Pretty good so far. What's it like being a Queen?" he replied.

"Not bad. Anyway, you didn't come all this way for chit-chat. There are more pressing concerns at hand. The first stage of my plan is working well, and now I must ask you both to return to your own kingdom and carry out the second stage."

"Hang on a minute," said Wayne. "What are you going on about. What was the first part of your plan?" he asked.

"The first part of the plan was to make all the dogs speak. You may not realise this but all the King's army and all the King's men are not human. They are in fact cats who have been put under a nasty spell which makes them obey the King. I thought it would be a good idea if we could get the dogs to fight for us and scare off the King's army. I employed a very ancient spell, which will not last for more than a few days. So Wycliffe, I am sorry but you will soon revert back to barking and woofing."

Wycliffe looked up from his bowl of beer. "Mmm? Sorry, what was that? I didn't hear what you said, I guess I was concentrating on finishing off this beer. Have you any more?" he enquired.

"No you can't. Any more and you will be drunk, and I need you to be on the ball. You have an important day ahead of you, and we don't have much time. This is what you must do....."

The Queen then went on to tell them the second stage of her plan.

*if the spell were ever to be broken, then the Nose-worshippers of Nostriland would suddenly spout noses and die. For the first time in their lives, they would experience a gasp. Purely instinctively, their hands would rush to their faces, as if expressing horror. Before the concepts of social etiquette or embarrassment had begun to enter their minds, they died of an over-stimulating concoction of rancid fumes. Can you imagine what it would be like to wake up one morning and suddenly discover you had a sense of smell? Then can you imagine what it would be like to experience the most unpleasant stench ever, having been going to the toilet onto yourself your whole life? The distress would be unbearable, and the shock, deadly.

Chapter 8. Auroma McMudchild

Auroma worked as a servant in the nearby castle. Her daily routine involved the gathering and arranging of flowers. The castle was owned by the Queen of Nostriland who also owned the surrounding country and all that lived within it. Few had seen the actual queen herself, but all Nostrilanders owned and worshipped images or sculptures made in her honour. In them she was always depicted with a nose.*

Auroma explained to Wayne what she does each day in the castle, and about how she and all her people were happy. 

"On the first day of working for the Queen, I was handed a uniform and a bottle of air-freshener. The uniform has to be handed in at the end of each day to be burned, and a brand new one collected the next. The air-freshener has to be sprayed all over yourself every five minutes whilst inside the castle. Every time the Queen is in sight, it has to be sprayed continuously. In this way, I have worked for over five years and enjoyed every minute. Under the Queen's rule, all the people of Nostriland live in happiness. We are at one with ourselves and all of nature."

Wayne wasn't to be taken in by a nonsense story such as this, but decided not to let Auroma know of his disbelief.

"Such a lovely job you have. All those wonderful colours and smells! Amazing! A whole race of noseless people! Who can't even smell how smelly they are! Brilliant!" He stopped to filter some air through his sleeve. "Listen love, you don't happen to have any of that spray with you?" he asked, politely.

"I do as it happens." she answered.

"Really?. Throw it over here." he demanded.

The door burst open as Wayne was spraying air-freshener around his proximity. Wycliffe ran up to him with his glasses in his mouth. They appeared to be undamaged, but dog slobber had engulfed them.

"Good boy." he said, patting him with a wet hand, and putting them on with the other.

"No worries," replied the dog. "Weird place isn't it?"

"You don't say," as he looked up at the now in focus noseless Auroma, "Well I never. The stinky woman was telling the truth. No nose. We must find this Queen with a nose. And soon. She may be able to help us figure out what's going on, and maybe we'll be back home to write a decent story before we are all sentenced to death by the King."

Sewerd entered the room, gasping for breath, clinging to the frame of the door.

"There it is!" he shouted, pointing at Wycliffe. "That little hairy thing nearly knocked me down as I went to retrieve your spectacles. And then I saw it had them dangling from its mouth. So I chased after it. To my surprise it came all the way back here. What is it?"

"It is a dog. It is Man's best friend. It can talk. And it has a sense of smell far better than mine. Which is how he found me. Through his sense of smell." said Wayne.

"That's right," continued Wycliffe, "and how I managed to find him with all you stinkers around is quite an accomplishment, even if i say so myself."

Wayne and Wycliffe thanked the couple for their hospitality, and before they left, quickly asked them the direction of the castle.

"It's that way." they said, pointing in unison. "Would you not like us to guide you there?"

"No." And with that they escaped and ran away as far as they could, stopping only when their noses recovered from their onslaught.

* No two images of the Queen were the same due to nobody seeing her for long enough to remember her features properly. In most cases, her nose was made far larger or pointier than it actually was. Sometimes she had no nostrils, and sometimes more than two. She was once represented by two noses, but those effigies had since been destroyed.