Chapter 5. The Kingdom of Nostriland

Wayne and Wycliffe had been walking North for a almost half a day. They had reached a fork in the road.

"I think it is best if we split up." said Wycliffe."I shall run up to the top of that hill over there and see what lies ahead. Why don't you head off towards those trees. I'll try and find you later."

"O.K" replied Wayne, (although he was a bit annoyed about his dog telling him what to do) as he watched him bounce over the fields at high speed with his tongue flopping around. 

After a few hours, which would have been less had he not stopped to eat some cake, Wayne was walking through a wood along a narrow path between tomatoes on his left and bananas on his right. 'Very nice,' he thought, and pocketed a few. Towards the end of the path however there was an unexpected jolt to his system. He had unwittingly had a sniff of the air, and it was rank. He gasped loudly, then quickly clasped his hands on to his face like somebody about to be sick in public. Looking up from his contorted shape, he witnessed something which to this day he has yet to recover from.

Most people know what morals are. Some things you are allowed to do, and some things you shouldn't. Anyway, all of us should agree with Wayne that having a poo on top of a big pile of poo is not behaviour which we adhere to. So we must empathise with him at this point. Crippled by breathing in, he retreated as best he could away from the stench of the stinky men and their mounds of human excrement.

"Ouch!" shouted Wayne as he tripped over a what appeared to be a rock. As he looked up to get up, his glasses*¹ slipped off and fell to the ground. While fumbling around for them, he breathed in and collapsed; for next to him stood a man with a smell so bad that when it penetrated his nostrils he thought he would die. He didn't, but he did turn green and pass out.

He awoke on a bed of leaves in a room constructed out of tree roots, branches, and moss. He began to inhale all the air around him as though he had not been able to for the whole night. There was a smell lingering in the room with him.

"Hello," said a voice. The smell appeared to belong to the voice.

"Hello," said Wayne, "who are you and where am I?"

"You have come into my kingdom. It is called Nostriland. My name is Sewerd McMudchild and you are my most honoured guest," replied the man.

"I've never heard of such a place," explained Wayne. He climbed out of bed and made for a window. However, without his glasses there was no way of seeing out through it. He needed to find his bearings.

"Do you know the whereabouts of my spectacles?" he asked.

"Spectacles? I have never heard of such a thing. If I knew what they were I might be able to help you look for them." replied the stinky man.

"They are also known as glasses. Used to correct my defective vision. A metal frame which balances on top of my nose holds two lenses which I can look through. Without them I can't even see you, and I would also like to survey this place I have come to."

Sewerd got up and came towards him. The smell got worse. Wayne backed away.

"Please don't come any closer!" he implored. "No offence but you could do with a bath. You know what one of them is don't you?"

"Nope."

Had Wayne been able to see Sewerd, he would have noticed the absence of a nose upon his face. All the race of the Nostrilanders had the same feature. In between the eyes and mouth was just a slightly raised patch of skin. Consequently, their sense of smell was non-existent. They cared not for baths, and farting was not frowned upon by any.*² The piles of poo that he saw were the combined efforts of the Nostrilanders to fertilize their land. A traditional means of ensuring the best yield, the muck was mixed into the soil and all plants flourished because of it. The landscape had become a lush, fruitful tangle of colour and foliage. To make up for the lack of a nose, the people of Nostriland had developed remarkable sight.

"I think I can see what you are describing," said Sewerd. "It looks like a pair of 'spectacles' are lying on the ground behind that tree near to where I found you. It shouldn't take us more than two hours to reach them. "

Two hours was a long time for Wayne. He had not forgotten the deadline for his story and time was precious. But more pressing now was the smell.

"I would be most grateful if you could retrieve them for me. I am still recovering from being knocked out." he lied, his eyes watering.

"Of course" replied Sewerd, and turned to leave. Wayne breathed an almighty sigh of relief. But as Sewerd opened the door he said,

"My wife, Auroma, will entertain you while I am gone. I shall not be long."

Auroma was a stinker too. She entered the room like a gust of sulphurous cloud. Wayne retreated to the back of the room. He noticed a bouquet of flowers which he grabbed and immediately held up to his nose. It offered light relief from the stench but served as a satisfactory filter nonetheless.

"Is there anything I can get you Sir?" she asked, walking towards him.

"No. Thank you," he muttered from behind his colourful veil. "Only for you to not come near me. I have a terrible cold. Wouldn't want you to catch it."

"I am not very good at catching anything," she said, still walking. "Anyway, what's a 'cold'?"

Wayne breathed in so hard that petals were sucked up inside his head.

"Get back!" he cried. "Your smell is unbearable! Do not come any closer!" Thankfully, Auroma stopped approaching and backed away. She sat down but unfortunately began to ask more questions.

"I am sorry. But I don't understand. You speak of words which I don't know the meaning of. You are coming across as a most unusual guest indeed. Why must you hold flowers over your face?" she enquired.

Wayne's frustration had bettered him. He threw the flowers to the floor in anger.

"Has nobody around here got one of these!?" he bellowed, pointing to his nose.

"Well, there is one other I know of." she announced.

*¹ Wayne had very bad vision, meaning that he could see little in the distance, and bugger all right in front of him.

*² it had in fact become an extension of their communication skills and was encouraged.